There are a couple of vagabonds running around town, and I hear they’re looking for a place to stay. You may have already served as a gracious hostess (yes, I’m going with the feminine form of the word – we all know who handles these two), but I’m closing the blinds, and telling the kids not to answer the door.
Their names are Ralph and Earl. They show up with no advance notice, and very much uninvited. I dislike these slippery scoundrels so much because they take great delight in turning my world upside down in 24-hour increments. Plus, they’re just plain mean.
They bring fever, cramps and nausea, and go about making dreadful messes they claim are accidental. Earl finds it very amusing to interrupt my cleaning by holding my son’s head way down in the bucket and kicking him while he’s down.
As if that wasn’t enough, a very specific menu consisting of ginger ale, saltine crackers, Jell-O, chicken soup, and Pepto Bismol is demanded. Feed them something they don’t like, and you’re in for a nasty little surprise.
Even the dog succumbs to their unethical and vile ways. I’ve asked PETA to get involved, but they’re too busy doing celebrity-fur watch to be concerned.
Sometimes Ralph comes alone, leaves, and tells Earl it’s his turn. Earl always decides he’d rather stay in another room of the house. I suppose that’s the prudent thing to do since Ralph leaves an odor that only heavy cleaning and time can erase.
Having chased these malcontents through my house, I realize they have absolutely no respect for my belongings. My furniture, carpets, linens, clothing, and the interior of my vehicle are all trashed with projectile accuracy. They have a knack for hitting things that can’t be easily cleaned or replaced.
The bathroom, which must be sanitized over and over, is their playground. They enjoy taunting the children, and making them believe they can make it down the hall to the bathroom before the unspeakable happens. They never quite make the intended destination. Close, but I’ll spare you the details.
I know what you’re all thinking: this woman is on her way to sainthood, and a reward surely waits. You’re right. After they’re done with the children, Ralph and Earl announce they’ll stay just one more day in order to spend some quality time with me. I tell them I really don’t have the time, but they insist.
Nearly paralyzed by sheer exhaustion, I manage to throw a party as they prepare to leave. The beds are stripped and remade with fresh sheets, every surface in the house is wiped down with a bleach solution, and a meal fit for a king is prepared. I’d like to give them an even more elaborate send-off, but I fear that will only encourage them to return.
I know they’ll be back. They’re watching me, and waiting for the most inopportune time to show up. People that conniving make me sick.
© 2008 Natalie Whatley
Tags: sick kids, stomach flu