Note: A person who shall remain nameless put me up to this April Fool’s gag.
It’s no secret that I explore the lighter side of life through this column, but this week I feel obligated to expose a critical situation in our fair city. Please bare with me as my serious side seeks to undress an issue that has been skirted for far too long.
I’m unable to put my finger on the exact cause of our nakedness in clothing retailers, but it’s a complaint I hear often from my children, and many locals alike. Some new stores have helped Baytown take some baby steps in the right direction, but I still find myself too frequently traveling an hour out of town to satisfy the fashion needs of my family. In the realm of any mother’s life, this is totally unacceptable.
Spring editions of my favorite magazines have arrived in my mailbox with articles on freshening up my wardrobe for the season. I’d love to do just that, but the kids’ activities and upkeep don’t allow the time to travel, and shop.
When I do venture out shopping with my three children in tow, it’s not exactly what I’d call an enjoyable experience; it’s full speed ahead, and the sooner I can say, “Mission accomplished”, the better. I know what all the men are thinking. “Just pick up a few things while you’re out with the kids.” Yeah, right. All mothers know that shopping for yourself alongside kids guarantees a quick trip to insanity (especially if the children are of the opposite sex), and is to be avoided at all costs.
My local shopping efforts to avoid spending a large portion of the tiny “Mommy” budget on gas have left me frustrated. I return home empty-handed, and irked over time wasted. Much of what I’ve found in my size is either what I affectionately refer to as “maw maw” attire, or garments only suitable for pre-pubescent females. What’s a thirty-something mother, desirous of appearing tasteful, fashionable, and younger than she really is, to do?
The stripped-down result of this matter is that I have nothing to wear. My family is reminded of that fact frequently when they ask me to go places. That excuse is starting to wear a little thin, thus the reason I’ve decided it’s time to publicly reveal sentiments regarding our retail shortcomings.
Please join me Tuesday, April 1st, as I kick off the “Bare it all at city hall” campaign by appearing on the steps of city hall in the buff. Drastic times call for drastic measures. We can parade down Market St. and Texas Ave. carrying signs, and chanting catchy protest slogans. Together, we can create a visual that’s sure to grab the attention of potential developers, and city officials alike.
I realize there’s that pesky section 21.08 of the Texas Penal Code regarding indecent exposure to contend with, but we can all plead insanity by reason of having to shop with children for far too many years. I’m sure we’d all be quite stunning in jail-house stripes, but I must admit I’m not at all worried about doing time.
Mama didn’t raise no fool.
© 2008 Natalie Whatley