Natalie Whatley

Twenty months ago, I introduced myself with an article entitled “Mid-life has come to roost in my nest”. I announced embarkation on a new journey – flying solo during school hours– and gave you all permission to enjoy a hearty laugh over ungraceful landings. I’ve had a few.  

As I near the end of summer (only 14 days, 22 hours, 55 minutes, and 12 seconds until school starts, but who’s counting?), my brain is gearing up for the 2009-2010 excursion. The preparatory mind trips have been great fun and taken me to surprising locations. However, sparks have flown as the new me pushed the accelerator to the floor, while the old me stomped on the brakes—not good for the rear-end of one’s vehicle and leads to costly repairs. (Ask my oldest. He’s well versed and lighter in the wallet.)

Since I don’t wish to cause major damage to myself or those around me, an expensive piece of equipment, designed to gain compliance for my internal traffic lights, will be installed. You heard me right. A red-light camera is in the works for the intersection of Natalie Street and Whatley Drive.

I know some of you disagree. “It’s Big Brother watching”, you’ll say, followed by, “I’ll see you in court!” But it’s in my best interest.  A cost/benefit analysis shows I’ll recoup the massive expenditure in fines collected –far quicker than I’d like to admit.

As is customary, my first order of back-to-school business will be working off summer’s deplorable eating habits. It’s getting harder as I get older. I give up faster with each passing year, retaining an increasing portion of what was gained. By 50, I should be somewhere in the can’t-fit-through-the-door-frame range.

While lunching on spinach salad, I’ll enjoy a glowing green light. When my thoughts veer to chocolate, a yellow, and when I hit the pantry foraging, “discover” what I’m looking for because only I know the location of the mother lode, a you-better-stop red.  As soon as it crosses my teeth, FLASH! Could there be any better motivation than a snapshot of the rear to bring about compliance?  

The next item on my agenda involves using restraint of a different kind. I admitted long ago to being a political junkie. You folks have been spared most of it, but others in my path haven’t been so lucky. I’ll be sporting green while my tongue is in the grips of my fangs. Upon release, a yellow, and 3.2 seconds to gain control. When the tirade begins, FLASH!  I won’t have to question whether or not my comments ruffled feathers. There will be photographic proof that I showed my back-side.

And the flip-side, tickets will be sent to those who, in my humble opinion, ride my hind-end for an unjustified reason. Green lights for those who appeal to my benevolent nature and politely request additions to my shopping list. Yellow for complaints regarding my inability to read minds and 2.8 seconds to see the error of his or her ways. “There’s nothing to eat! When are you going shopping?” FLASH! Exceptions will be made for those who come to a complete stop and turn right.  

Some say collisions will be reduced, while others claim I’ll just get rich off the revenue. I don’t know, but it would be nice if a certain somebody would quit jamming on the brakes at the mere sight of a yellow–creates an issue when I follow too closely.

© 2009 Natalie Whatley

Tags: red-light camera