If you are in the least bit squeamish, or if the mere mention of head lice makes your scalp crawl you may want to stop here. My head’s feeling a bit itchy, and I may not sleep for a week, but I’m highly compensated for such burdens.

An infestation eradicated decades ago is rearing its ugly, bloodsucking-insect head here in the good ole United States of America. I’d seen a sprinkling of news stories with professionals warning it was coming as the problem was getting severely worse around the globe, and tucked it away.

Most of what I ran across sounded “chicken little”, but the headlines are popping up in greater frequency and I recently learned that the Environmental Protection Agency held a summit on the impending crisis in 2009. What has some high-ranking officials bugging out? Bedbugs.

The little critters have caused Ohio’s government and the EPA to scratch at each other over the “proper” use of chemicals, and as is usually the case, the good citizenry is hung in the middle—taking to the sidewalks to sleep at night because sleeping quarters are uninhabitable. Now the Centers for Disease Control and, I kid you not, the Department of Defense are involved in the crisis.  

I know, at first glace and from up on a cleanliness pedestal, filth comes to mind. You may want to hop on down, because this is a problem for any one of us who doesn’t reside in a hermetically-sealed bubble. One can pick them up in just about any public place, and bring a happy bedbug couple to reside and start a family in their dream home: your bed.

Back in the day when pesticides were pesticides (I know some have been proven harmful, but in my humble opinion the pendulum has swung too far the opposite direction. Save the hate-mail for someone smarter than me.) DDT wiped out this nuisance in the developed world.

Since about 1995, they’ve been re-emerging: resistant to DDT and any other weenie-fied chemical we now have at our disposal. Some statistics show the infestation doubled between 1995 and 2001 and that the bedbug population has continued to grow as more pesticides used to counter other pests while peripherally killing bedbugs were removed from the arsenal.  

Luckily, extensive lab testing shows that bedbugs are not likely to pass disease from one human to another. However, they can be extremely harmful to mental health. I know some of you are already in a panic and will no doubt soon be suffering from delusional parasitosis, whereby you’ll be certain you are infested with a parasite that isn’t present.

I suppose the world just isn’t right unless we have a certain level of paranoia to contend with. I sometimes lie awake at night wondering what to obsess over next. I bet you’ll do it now, too. Good night, sleep tight; don’t let the bedbugs bite!

© 2010 Natalie Whatley

The second week of November, which will officially begin tomorrow, is Pursuit of Happiness Week. I know it sounds a little odd, but the purpose is to remind everyone, as stated in the Declaration of Independence, that all men and women “are endowed by their Creator with certain unalieanable rights, that among them are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” It would be unpatriotic not to recognize this one. You’ve got from November 8 – 14 to perform a search. Feel very fortunate if you don’t have to look long or far.

Happiness is defined in different ways depending on who’s providing the definition, but Webster’s says it is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, or joy. And pursuit: Until I looked it up, I never realized an important piece that sets it aside from simply following something is the intent to catch.

Since I have been on a mission of sorts to find my place in the world while my children explore the things that bring them joy, it occurred to me that sometimes hunting for happiness involves not chasing after some things, or possibly bringing other things to an end. If capturing some empty space opens up a spot for something that makes me smile, why not?

Those in the business of studying happiness say much of our disposition in that regard is genetic and to a large degree formed during childhood. It’s also a lot of work. But the good news: Happiness is a choice. It’s tricky for sure, but we all know it’s possible as most of us are acquainted with someone who is happy despite some crummy circumstances.  Some say life is 10 percent events and 90 percent how we react to those events. I believe there’s a great deal of truth there.

Once we decide ourselves happy, we have a real proverbial bucket of cold water to deal with in a phenomenon known as hedonic adaptation. I know, big words for a Saturday, but you’ll thank me for explaining how it works. Knowing is half the battle. Maybe you can keep this from dampening any new-found joy.

Hedonic adaptation occurs because humans are very adaptable – some of us more than others— and as soon as something better than our “normal” becomes habit or a routine part of our day, it loses its shine so to speak. Think past lottery winners who manage to become miserable despite having money troubles wiped away.  And raise your hand if you’ve reached a goal you thought was going to bring the epitome of happiness, only to find that happy feeling was short-lived. We’re always raising the bar. I don’t know when the concept of contentment was lost, but I know I don’t see enough of it – too much of the grass-is-greener syndrome going around if you ask me.

Gretchen Rubin, author of “The Happiness Project” says that one way to combat hedonic adaptation is to cut back on luxurious enjoyment. (That almost sounds un-American.) Also, try stopping each day and just being grateful for the things in your life.  Avoid including external things – look to your inner resources. Take pleasure in the little things.

Get out there and go after something delightful . . . and intend on catching it!

© 2009 Natalie Whatley

That said an entire industry has been built around the day and people’s enjoyment of fear. To be fair, there is also a whimsical side – adults would rather not be awakened by frightened children – complete with festive thank-goodness-it’s-finally-fall fun.  There’s something for everyone.

Listening to the radio for a few minutes will garner several locations within driving distance where you can pay to enter and enjoy a fearful adrenaline rush. Those venues come with names like Phobia, known for featuring clowns of all things; Screamworld, and of course all the haunteds  . . . woods, houses, etc.  I suppose phobophobiacs, those who have a fear of fear, avoid those. I’ve never attended any, but have heard the scariest parts are often the lines and wait to go through. No thanks.

If you’re one who would rather place your money on actual goods versus an experience, retail data shows Halloween only second to Christmas in home décor and the third largest party day of the year. Those in the business of making a profit off the day are quite spirited by the fact that despite the lagging economy, most of us were in the mood to spend more this year than last Halloween.  

Retailer Steven Silverstein, President of Spirit Halloween costume stores, says sales increase by 30 percent when Halloween falls on a Saturday and that Halloween should be officially moved to the last Saturday in October, regardless of the date. He and like-minded individuals descended on Capitol Hill earlier this month asking Congress to do just that. I can think of other things I want my elected officials working on.

Silverstein’s movement termed “Halloweekend” is currently circulating a petition. He claims “the recession can be ended, jobs created and Halloween will just be more fun”. While a staunch believer in capitalism and free markets, I’m not so sure this could get us out of the mess we’re in. I like his spirit, though – far better than the apparition of our government officials announcing just this week that it appears the recession is over.

Yes, the economy grew at 3.5 percent in the third quarter, ending four straight quarters of contracting economic activity. But . . . and it’s a big BUT . . . that “growth” was spurred by brisk federal spending and government-supported spending on cars and homes.  Think Cash for Clunkers and federal tax credits for first-time homebuyers. Sigh. Those willing to remove the masks are already stating it will be difficult to sustain such a recovery after government support for the programs end. Is it really a treat if we trick ourselves?

On a much lighter note, if you will be hosting trick-or-treaters at your home, be on the lookout for the vampire-costume trend.  We have once again (it goes in waves), due to the popularity of some books and movies, become entranced by vampires. But it’s different this time. They don’t look so scary any more. In fact, they’re quite good-looking and overtly seductive – be careful not to look them in the eyes.

After costumes, it wouldn’t be Halloween without jack-o-lanterns. Have you seen some of the elaborate designs? I’m amazed at what some can do with small tools and too much free time. I mean, it is going to rot. My children bought some rather large pumpkins to carve and plan on scooping out the innards of one and draping it out of the mouth to appear as though Mr. Jack O’Lantern has either a) partaken of too many confectionary delights, or b) spent a little time with me discussing the “end” of the recession. I know just how he feels. Have a Happy Halloween!

© 2009 Natalie Whatley

With the April 15 deadline for filing federal income tax returns looming ahead, it’s time to gather the W-2’s, 1099’s, etc. and sit down face-to-face with our monetary contributions to the greater good.

I usually complete and mail ours the first week of February. I ran a little late this year. I was procrastinating because I didn’t even want to look at it, but finally sat down on one of our recent, rainy days and got down to business.   

Much to the chagrin of professional tax preparers, I complete our return. (I know, I’m busted; recall a couple of weeks ago where I semi-proudly confessed to skipping out on my children’s math homework. I, too, stand in disbelief that Jeff hasn’t caught on that I’m able to navigate the maze that is the IRS and our tax return while brilliantly feigning ignorance when it comes to math homework.  Am I good, or what? And, no, we’ve never been audited.) There are plenty of people who don’t want to touch their taxes, so I figure I’m not doing too much harm to the economy in saving a few bucks instead of a headache.

Some wonder why I put myself through the torture of reading Form What-Ever, being directed to Schedule What-the-Heck and finally routed to Publication Who-Knew?  Others would say I’m intentionally inflicting pain upon myself. I do it because in the age of direct deposit, who really sits and pores over a check stub anymore? I used to look at mine way back in the day as I waited in the drive through at the bank. It was a bi-weekly reminder of what I was giving to Uncle Sam. Now, I know the exact dollar amount that will be deposited every other Friday, and there is no need to study it further. Ignorance is bliss!  

The taxing task was particularly stressful this year. We’re tightening our belts while our federal government dines on an unprecedented amount of pork. I wonder how much longer those of us who actually know how to hunt and slaughter swine will continue producing their fatty meals. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind paying for services rendered, but it seems fewer and fewer are being forced to pay for our government’s “benevolence”. But I digress . . . sigh.   

Before the nitty-gritty hard part, it’s always necessary to clean out the financial files of the Whatley Estate.  As I go through each folder gathering the most recent statements and necessary papers, I throw all the outdated items in a special pile. My heart begins to race because I know the fun part is coming.      

With pertinent papers set aside, I drag out my trusted friend: the shredder.  We have loads of fun together. It’s quite cathartic to review what once was on the 401(k) statements and then send them through the grinding teeth.  It’s almost as if our balance hasn’t been cut in half . . . the proof is gone.   

I finished the job as the “stimulus” package was signed into law – what a warm, fuzzy feeling that was. I’ll bounce back because I believe in America and Americans. But right now, self-responsibility, capitalism, and the very fabric of this country are being forced through a shredder. Take a good look at who’s enjoying a catharsis in doing it. If we as a country allow this to continue . . . all we’re going to have left is hope for some spare change.

First, as I’ve now heard from countless experts, I allowed too much technology into their young lives. Scientists say that I negatively and permanently changed the way the synapses fire in their brains by allowing television, computers, and gaming systems to be a part of our days. The moments of sanity I enjoyed while I had two in diapers came at a heavy price. The guilt is incredible!

Next, I don’t check all their schoolwork all the time. Horrible, I know.  When the oldest started school, I was on top of everything. With my youngest, I’m on top of nothing. Call it lazy, but I tell you I’m just wore out.

Sometimes my kids go to school without eating breakfast. I realize this one is particularly disturbing, but school starts at a certain time every day. What’s a mom to do when she’s bouncing between three bedrooms . . . one gets up, but sneaks back in bed the moment she’s gone, and the cycle repeats itself until there are just enough minutes to dress and catch the bus. (Hi, Mom! I know you’re reading; don’t laugh at me. It’s not funny!) On top of that, I’ve got one who swears she’ll be sick if a morsel of sustenance touches her lips before ten a.m., Monday through Friday. Because she made a believer out of me, I stopped forcing the issue.

School projects: I helped way too much and mostly because it pains me a great deal to have an entire weekend ruined over something that could be done in a couple of hours. Enough said.

Then there’s the availability of my children’s grades online. It’s a wonderful service, but I found myself with a bad habit and came close to entering a 12-step program to break the addiction. “Hi, my name is Natalie, and I checked my children’s grades daily, OK, several times daily, until I drove them and myself nearly crazy.”  In a very liberating move, I taught them how to login and check their grades themselves. They know what needs to be done and what the consequences will be when report cards come out. LOAD off my shoulders.

Homework: My children are well-versed in “don’t ask Mom to help with math homework.”  I can look at the textbook and figure it out, sometimes before midnight, but Jeff handles it all with the greatest of ease. Math is his department, and I have no interest in being cross-trained.  Just this week Jeff explained to me how to find the area of a circle. “Area equals Pi times the radius squared. A = Pi   r  squared.” Because I don’t even want to know, I replied, “Pies are round”.

There. I owned up to doing some things I knew were not producing the desired results. I’m anxiously awaiting Texas’ legislators doing the same in regards to standardized testing.  

© 2009 Natalie Whatley  

There are stirrings of new educational developments here in Texas.  A group of school superintendents and administrators interested in education reform comprise what is now called the Public Education Visioning Institute. They’ve been meeting for a few years and last summer released a 48-page work-in-progress report entitled “Creating a New Vision for Public Education in Texas”. It’s an interesting read, and the ideas and concepts explored are quietly making their way to people willing, able, and ready to start a revolution.

Sociologists, psychologists, and educators are converging on a theory that the way the human brain processes information is changing due to young children’s exposure to technology in their everyday lives – long before they sit behind a desk in a classroom. Instead of working to change the way education is delivered, much time and money has been spent making sure each individual is accountable for one-size-must-fit-all standards. There’s a disconnect, and it’s easily apparent to any layperson who visits a classroom.  Creative teachers do what they can, but they’re fighting a losing battle against a massive push to sameness.

Keith Sockwell, CEO of the education consulting firm Cambridge Strategic Services says, “When we look at our public schools today, I’d say they’re doing a dadgum good job of preparing our kids for the twentieth and nineteenth century.” How unfair is that to a person charged with getting us through the twenty-first century?

Educators at local levels and school boards alike blame the loss of local control and autonomy in their respective schools, while state and federal agencies want accountability in exchange for tax dollars sent. Our children and our future hang in the middle. The new vision report by Texas educators states that the current accountability system has indeed narrowed curriculum. It was refreshing to read such an admission. I think we’ve all heard it categorically denied.

I’ve sat through many parent nights where standardized testing was an instructed-from-above talking point. There’s always at least one renegade parent making his displeasure over “teaching to the test” known. The rote response is always the same. “We can’t really teach to the test because we don’t know exactly what the state will include each year.”

While it may be true that the content of the new test each year is somewhat of a surprise, those of us with school-aged children know all too well that fact doesn’t stop the how-to-TAKE-the-test instruction.  The code word for that: strategies.  And “strategies” leave no room for any thought process other than the one the child is told to have.

Forget having strength in a particular subject area and being able to reason your way through to the correct answer. Not allowed.  And weakness?  That child will need extra practice circling, underlining, bracketing, “erasing” irrelevant information and finally solving the problem. On the test, all that matters is getting the correct answer . . . not good if you’re a nine-year old who gets too bogged down in the “process” of test taking to ever reach that answer.

With educators who know the system leading the charge, maybe the time is right for a revolution of sorts. Parents, teachers, and administrators whose lives are intertwined with children daily know this isn’t working. The world’s problems won’t be solved with homogenous thinkers armed with little more than No. 2 pencils and scan tron answer forms. Communities need to get behind this group and with one loud voice state, “No more TAKSation without representation!” 

© 2009 Natalie Whatley     

The only word that comes to mind is discombobulated.  (My children fuss at me frequently for using big words in my column. They read and want to know just what in the heck I’m talking about. I hand them a dictionary. They roll their eyes. I smile because it is my pleasure to annoy them . . . turnabout is fair play.)

I decided to consult Webster’s before using the term to be sure it was indeed a real word and an accurate portrayal of my state of my mind. I have this quirky little habit of making up words; then I use them frequently enough that they become real to me. Thus the reason I was unsure of discombobulate’s status.  

A couple of my trusty dictionaries didn’t have a listing. Upon consulting additional bound paper reference sources, I finally found an entry. Much to my dismay, it appeared I was discombobulated over the meaning of discombobulate. And you thought you had problems.

Discombobulate: to confuse or disconcert; upset or frustrate, has been noted as a fine example of the speech of the Wild Frontier. The word came to use some time in the 1830’s. There is no particular individual credited with inventing the word, but those who study these types of things (etymologists) say it must have been someone who enlarged his (etymologists chose the masculine pronoun) vocabulary by grossly disfiguring the innocent elements of the English language. I guarantee this “man” occupies at least a twig on my family tree.  I know this will fly in the face of conventional wisdom, but this is also proof George W. Bush does not have the market cornered on bungling our language.

I thought discombobulated meant that I was feeling out of sorts and disconnected. It’s not going to sound nearly as intelligent to tell you I was feeling a bit scatter-brained this week. In the end, I located an online dictionary entry that showed discombobulated to mean exactly what I originally thought –disconnected and unbalanced. There was no mention of confusion or frustration, but I’ll certainly add those to my discombobulated repertoire.

I started this little disjointed journey feeling a bit like my head was detached from the rest of me. After wasting precious minutes of your life reading this, you’re all probably ready to search me out and make that feeling a reality.

The truth behind my unsettled thoughts is that my own personal world is changing almost more rapidly than I can stand, and the swirl of what I view as my outer world is scaring the daylights out of me.  I’m torn. I desire success for our new President because the continuation of the greatness of the United States of America depends on it. But I can’t wrap my mind around policies set on taking this country away from the ideals of our founding fathers.  On that, I’m completely combobulated.

© 2009 Natalie Whatley

Navigating life is sometimes difficult for the opinionated person who chooses their own route. A degree of irritation ensues when detours are forced by the likes of those whose claim to fame is “analysis” of polling data collected on polling data. What’s funny about that is that they’re just now starting to catch on to the fact that some people are not truthful in answering polls. I stopped responding to such calls, but have fantasized about picking up the phone and toying with the pollster on the other end. I resent the “from on high” arrogance…just give me the facts, and I’ll decide what they mean. I can’t help not wanting to be told what I should think; it’s embedded in my DNA. How’s that for shifting the blame?

I refrained from breaking out into full blown political rants here for various reasons. The primary one being that I respect any individual who has taken the time to learn about the issues and form opinions – even if they don’t square with my own. I can’t hear you yell at the newspaper; although, I wish I could. While I admit to being hard-headed (also embedded in my DNA), I’m not too proud to change my mind when presented with hard facts and intelligent argument. Sparring partners are hard to find, and not because there’s a shortage of intelligence, but rather a shortage of people who can keep their heads. I can walk away from a heated discussion and still consider the dissenter a friend.  I’m undecided on whether that’s a blessing or a curse.

Spirited debate and lively conversation with those who have opposing views is actually a form of recreation for me. (Feel very sorry for my family.) The dinner table at my house has been rather boisterous given my children are forming opinions of their own and voting in mock elections at school.  I apologize in advance to teachers and my children’s future mates, who will no doubt deal with the minds I have “corrupted” by pushing them to defend their stance.  Future Thanksgivings ought to be a riot.

History tells me we’ve driven through trying times before. Still, this election feels like a very pivotal moment – one historians will review long after our days. No matter which direction we collectively turn, history will be made. Only the test of time will tell if we got it right, and even then there will be argument.  Some of us will look back and say we had no choice but to move with the flow of traffic. It is an inescapable fact that we’re all in this together.

Regardless of where we find ourselves come Wednesday morning, the good news is that each one of us will remain in the driver’s seat of our own destiny. Have a destination in mind, know how to get there, and most importantly, don’t follow the dope driving with his turn signal on.

© 2008 Natalie Whatley

I’m suffering ever-increasing ambivalence when it comes to being a consumer. It’s hard to square my feelings given I’m one of capitalism’s biggest fans, but it has not escaped me that I spend my days in either of two ways: consuming (shopping), or managing the consumption (making lists for future shopping excursions while cleaning and organizing items already purchased). It’s a never-ending cycle. I’m weary from it. I even stand in line and pay hard-earned money to participate in such madness. The tail is wagging the dog, and this dog is nauseated.

I suppose it’s a little strange that I have such sentiments given that I came of age in the ‘80s with the tune of Madonna’s “Material Girl” telling me how life should be.  What a difference 20 years, jobs, car payments, a mortgage, three children and a dog make.  Funny, I feel almost blessed to have found out it was all a lie.  

Currently, a visit to any store reminds me that I should be preparing for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years…simultaneously. That daunting task must be performed with a happy spirit, stylish attire and seasonally appropriate home decor. I’m failing miserably on all fronts. It’s a personal matter for now, but I know all too well those failings become very public. Inquiring minds want to know. The sad truth is that I’m struggling too hard with the basics – clean socks/underwear and meals – to be excited over the holidays.  I get heartburn just thinking about them.

One of the basic tenets behind advertising is to create “need” for products. Once you’re convinced your life will be greatly improved by disposable toilet brushes with a retail price of $4.99 for a package of three refills and $9.99 for the “starter wand”, why you’ll never again be forced to own one that costs a fraction of the price and lasts for years.  It’s that very force that brought me to realize what we’ve all been sold:  “you are what you consume” …and if you consume nothing, you are nothing. It’s a sad state of affairs.

In the most literal sense, it is true that we must have nourishment to survive; we don’t, however, really need most of what we’ve been led to believe life wouldn’t be worth living without. I’m not sure when or how it happened, but I suppose a long stint of prosperity delivered this one. I can’t help but think it’s what also led to the economic issues we’re seeing today.  We’ve all got to have it all, and at what cost? Indigestion and an upset stomach.

While I don’t invite the issues that come along during economic downturns, I’m sort of looking forward to the possibility of simpler times. Times when it won’t seem so terribly uncouth not to be consumed by looking for the next bigger and better [insert your choice here].Times when the contents of a man’s character account for far more than the contents of his shopping cart.

There are only 60 shopping days left until you know when. Pass the pink stuff; I’ve got a lot of consuming to do.

© 2008 Natalie Whatley

I’ve heard some say we’re in a financial crisis at least equivalent to the Great Depression. So, I’m not much in the mood to do any fall decorating which includes adorning my flowerbeds with mums, pumpkins and other items that will find their way to the trash immediately following Thanksgiving. I may need the money required for such frivolity to feed my family. And, at some point I may be forced to forage with my little furry friends.  I have a survival advantage in that I’m watching where they’re burying the acorns, and I’m bigger. (Mental note: research acorn recipes when this week’s writing complete.)

Thank goodness my children are beyond the point of wanting highly-marketed, cheaply-made, but still very expensive Halloween costumes.  I learned years ago what the real October surprise is for new parents: the price tag for dolling up little cherubs so that they can mingle with all the other little cherubs at fall social events.  The joke is on you, Mom and Dad. The pricey costume will spend the evening draped over your arm because it’s too itchy, too hot, scratchy, hurts, broke, ripped, etc.  

 After getting over the crafting and sewing inabilities that kept me from being chosen for the “my-child-has-the-best-costume -ever” competition team, I learned that kids can be pretty darn frugal and creative when left to their own costuming devices. The sickest parental participants are those gifted enough to make great-looking costumes. They don’t mind telling everyone within ear-shot, “Oh, I just threw it together over a weekend with some scraps left over from the curtains I fashioned out of garage-sale bed sheets.”  There’s a special place for people like that. No, not THERE…the psychiatric ward. It’s too bad hot glue guns would probably not be allowed in the padded rooms. That’s a shame. Pardon me for not being more sympathetic.

Speaking of guns, how many of you recall dressing up for Halloween and going to school alongside GI Joe, a mobster, or a cowboy complete with a toy replica of the appropriate firearm?  It really did happen back in the day, right here in Baytown. I have the 1983 Gentry Mustang yearbook, complete with incriminating photos to prove it. Times have changed. Show up at school like that now, and you’ll not see the light of day ever again.

In these trying times, we must all do our part to keep the economy afloat. Please purchase large quantities of cavity-inducing confectionary delights. You’ve got a few weeks to stock up. It’s necessary that we load the little darlings down with goodies, and then make sure they consume it all sparingly. If we are indeed about to see Depression-era-like times, today’s children, and myself for that matter, are not going to know what hit them.  In that kind of world, I bet acorns taste like chicken.  

© 2008 Natalie Whatley