Natalie Whatley

As my deadline approached and before official numbers could be tallied, our area was seriously vying to beat a July rainfall record set back in 1900 mere weeks before a massive hurricane nearly wiped Galveston off the map.

I thought the wet stuff seemed more plentiful lately, but didn’t give it much thought because it was a welcomed relief from the heat. Too bad we’re making up for that break by way of mosquito, but I complained about them a couple of weeks ago, so I’ll move along.

With so much opportunity in the air, I twice witnessed what I now know to be an unusual meteorological phenomenon: sun showers. We don’t typically call them that here in the South, so you may or may not have heard the term. It’s easy enough to figure out, though, and is simply a rain shower occurring while the sun is shining.

In the midst of one of those occurrences, I mentioned it and asked the person to whom I was speaking, “What’s up with that?”

“The devil is beating his wife!”

Wow. Echoed my thoughts exactly, but it had been ages since I’d heard that old saying. I’d be afraid to say it out loud today for a host of reasons, but that’s a topic for another day.

The disturbing phrase was one I heard from peers many times growing up and obviously it stuck with me. I didn’t really understand it then, and not sure I do now, but I gave it a thorough look-see in an effort to broaden all of our horizons.

Usage is scattered around the globe. It’s unclear where the expression originated, but here in the United States it’s fairly confined to the southern region with particular concentration in southeastern Texas and southwestern Louisiana. And there are regional variations. While many expand the phrase to indicate either the angels or the wife crying, some also say he’s beating her with a frying pan or around a stump. 

But the ones that really made me chuckle (and wince) were those that elaborated on the reasons behind the alleged beating. To some, it seems she was in trouble for burning the biscuits (Texas) or the rice (clearly, Louisiana).  I’m offended.

Someone needs reminding that the devil’s home hath no fury like a woman scorned. If he was whipped up in that type of frenzy over the way his food was prepared, why, I’d have turned around, jumped up on that stump and shown him a thing or two with that frying pan! I wonder what sort of freakish weather that would produce? Food for thought.

The weather nerds are all saying our temps this weekend will hit the triple digits as this rain event clears out and high pressure settles over us. I suppose I’ll put that frying pan down since Mother Nature is throwing us all in the fire.  But it was fun watching the devil sweat!

© 2010 Natalie Whatley

Ahhh . . . summertime in southeast Texas. The humidity and mosquitoes are in abundant supply. Thusly, this week’s inspiration is brought to you by perspiration and itchy-skin irritation.

I’d much rather be outdoors than in, and the above pesky, summer nuisances are working overtime to assure I stay cooped up. It’s a coup I tell you. And a grand conspiracy designed to dampen my mostly sunny disposition.

I’ve been forced to find things indoors to fill my time. Of course there’s always a swarm of housework, but that’s no fun. I’d almost rather hang out with the skeeters. Almost.

In a brighter moment—between feeling sticky and swatting away pests—I discovered that my friend, Melvin Roark, determined through mathematical calculations (and possibly a little too much time on his hands) that his yard housed at least 1,346,400 mosquitoes.

He started off by counting how many of the little buggers were contained in a single square inch. The fact that he arrived at that staggering result all by himself is mighty impressive. (Pardon me for a moment while I bow to a greater math master. Words, not numbers, are my thing.) However, it wasn’t the numbers that got me to chuckling, but rather what he proposed doing with those tallies.

Melvin said if mosquitoes qualify, he’s applying for an agricultural extension on his homestead because he has unwittingly become a big time mosquito farmer. That’s funny, Melvin. But hang on to your insect repellant, folks. It gets better.  And I have to wonder if Melvin even realized the comedic element of what he proposed. (A little legal disclaimer to protect the innocent Melvin Roark against potential governmental backlash: I did not share with him what I actually found so amusing about his idea. Continue reading. It’s coming.)

Agricultural extension practitioners are usually employed by government agencies – local on up to world wide. Their “responsibilities” are mostly along the lines of educating farmers by bringing proven scientific methods to increase yields, but wait . . . you guessed it, there’s funding involved along the line. (I read a fraction of the fine print for you. I would’ve consumed it all, but it seems I found the cure for my insomnia.) Anyway, do you see the bloodsuckers on both sides of Melvin’s proposed equation?  Heh. Heh.  Using one bloodsucker to gain benefits from another. Pure genius.

Since Melvin is potentially set up to profit from working not-so-hard on the propagation of an annoying insect, I figure someone here in town better counter his measures from another angle. I’m studying and working on lowering our humidity because the thermal sensing capabilities of the mosquito are as much as three times greater when the humidity is high.

I hate to be a wet blanket, but I doubt I’ll make much headway because, unlike Melvin, I won’t have access to any of those fancy-pants-governmental types who fly in and claim they can bend nature. No matter, I suppose, because I understand enough math to know that Melvin’s high crop yield, or not, dew points above 70 and the commensurate high relative humidity totals up to 100 percent misery. And I’m being a real drag, so I’m telling me to buzz off!

© 2010 Natalie Whatley

First order of business, Happy Mother’s Day! I know you’re all expecting some words on motherhood, but since it’s my special day, too, and because I write about motherhood frequently, I’m putting my feet up and taking a break from the topic and the job. Plus, there’s something else important happening that I want you to know about.

While I try my best to appreciate those who work in public service year-round, next week is a special one where we can let our local police officers know how much we appreciate their protection and service.

In 1962 President John F. Kennedy designated May 15 as Peace Officers’ Memorial Day and the week surrounding that date as National Police Week. During this time, law enforcement officers past and present are to be commemorated for their courage and dedication in preserving the rights and security of all citizens. The week ends with a memorial service outside the U.S. Capitol honoring police officers killed in the line of duty from all over the United States.

Locally, and in honor of the Texas officers who made the ultimate sacrifice, the Baytown Police Department accompanied by surrounding agencies invites you to its annual Law Enforcement Police Memorial at noon on Friday, May 14 at St. Marks United Methodist Church, 3811 N. Main.

Four of the eleven officers lost in Texas this past year were from this general area. One, our very own Chambers County Deputy Sheriff, Shane Detwiler, was shot responding to the scene of a utility worker who had been fired upon. Recall how this community pulled together and hundreds lined Garth Rd. for his funeral procession.

As a graduate of the Baytown Police Department’s Citizens Police Academy I’ve had the opportunity to see the inner workings of the department and get to know some of the human beings behind the necessary authoritative personas and badges. Baytown is truly blessed. Our force is made up of a highly diverse, intelligent group who strive to ensure that our homes, families, and way of life are kept safe.

And on the very day I sat down to write this, I attended my third and youngest child’s graduation from the Baytown Police Department’s D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) program.  What an impact these officers have on impressionable young minds as they visit classrooms week after week educating, forming positive relationships, and imparting the importance of plain old good decision making. Proactive. I like that.

Stop an officer this week and thank them for the job they do, and please join me next Friday in honoring Texas’ “law enforcement officers who, through their courageous deeds, have made the ultimate sacrifice in service to their community . . . and let us recognize and pay respect to the survivors of our fallen heroes.” ~Presidential Proclamation John F. Kennedy  

A profession in law enforcement is a choice. Thank God for the special people willing to do it and willing to die for it. Precious lives are gone. Let’s make sure they’re not forgotten.

© 2010 Natalie Whatley

If you’re a regular reader of my column, you’re quite aware that I’ve hosted some pretty extravagant pity parties. I’m ashamed to admit that I can do them up right complete with decorations and mouth-watering hors d’oeuvres.

Self-pity is defined as a psychological state of mind where an individual in perceived adverse situations has not accepted the circumstances and does not have the confidence or ability to cope. Not becoming at all.

I think “perceived” is the key word there. And what gets my proverbial goat 99.9 percent of the time hardly qualifies under the definition of “adverse”.

While looking for ways to right that wrong, I encountered a recurring theme among the advice: Basically, I need to get out of my head and occupy myself with doing for others.

Recall that I have a husband; three children ages 11, 13, and 17; a dog; a cat; and two hamsters under my care. It would be an understatement to say that I already spend the bulk of my time in service to others. Three on the aforementioned list tolerate my services at best, but do complain when I slack on the job.

With that fresh on my mind, it was a no-brainer when long-time emcee of the Baytown Special Olympics, Steve Liles, mentioned that volunteers were needed for the annual event hosted by the City of Baytown last Saturday.

I couldn’t wait. And now that I’ve been, I don’t know what took me so long to get there.

As I stood in the volunteer check-in line with my two younger children, Erin and Jeremy, it became clear there was no shortage of people prepared to spend the day giving far more than time. I learned later that the volunteers outnumbered the athletes by more than 2-to-1!  A round of applause for the folks of Baytown!

My kiddos and I were assigned — along with many others — to be finish-line judges. I showed up that morning ready to work and do whatever was needed to make the day enjoyable for the participants. What really happened can only be chalked up to fate surely guided by The Big Guy. He knows when I need a swift kick in the backside.

During the opening ceremony, an athlete from Cy-Fair moved out onto the track in front of her team and began belting out The National Anthem . . . over the voice of the person singing with the microphone. She knew every word. I was standing, but thought I was going to fall to my knees. She got a standing ovation.

When the games began, we took our places at the relay finish line. Soon after the pop of the starting shot, I realized why I was there. Thank goodness for sunglasses because the waterworks commenced.

What do I know about struggling against adversity and making it down the track to the finish line with a bigger-than-life smile on my face – even though I wasn’t the “winner”?

Many thanks to the City of Baytown staff for all their hard work on a well-coordinated event. And from the bottom of my heart:  A big thank-you to the amazing athletes, their parents, and coaches. In the end, it was you who gave to me – a precious gift I’ll carry to the finish line.

© 2010 Natalie Whatley

As a graduate of the Baytown Citizen Police Academy, I promised to let you all know when the next class was forming.  In case you forgot, I had loads of fun, learned a lot about the inner workings of the Baytown Police Department, and lived to tell about some rather riveting moments during some hands-on class participation. Now it’s your turn.

Classes start Thursday, February 18 at 6:30 p.m. and will run for ten weeks. The police-work-related program, guided by Academy Coordinator, Officer Beasley, is designed to give citizens a better understanding of the operations and mission of the Baytown Police Department.

Coursework will begin with an introduction to the academy and an overview of police terminology. The remaining weeks will bring officers sharing specialized areas of expertise and equipment. Topics to be covered: crime prevention, K-9 units, terrorism, crime scene investigation, use of force, gangs/organized crime, hostage negotiations, building search, traffic stops, and a tour of the city jail.

I’d be hard-pressed to pick a favorite because they were all interesting. Everyone enjoys the K-9 units for obvious reasons, but you’ll be amazed watching the dogs perform what they’re trained to do while learning how they acquire and maintain those skills. Terrorism: It’s perpetrated on many different fronts and for a variety of reasons; law enforcement must remain vigilant and keep track of many tentacles.  Building search tested my mental fortitude – basically I have none when it comes to looking for bad guys in dark places. Crime scene investigation had a few grisly moments, but nothing any modern member of TV-viewing society couldn’t handle. And the tour of the jail: I suppose it’s a nice facility as far as jails go, but I’ll do what’s necessary to remain on the outside.

After the fifth week of instruction, students are eligible for an eye-opening ride along in a patrol car. If you’ve ever called and requested an officer for a non-life-threatening reason and wondered what took them so long . . . this is for you. The “action” is non-stop.  This portion of the program is voluntary and not a requirement for graduation.

Upon completion of the academy, there will be a graduation ceremony and banquet. Students are also invited to join the Baytown Citizen Police Academy Alumni Association, which brings together graduates to enhance relations between the community and the police force and to improve the efficiency of law enforcement in neighborhoods through shared responsibilities and resources.

With additional training, graduates also have the opportunity to become involved in Citizens on Patrol. This new program focuses on handicap parking enforcement and assisting patrol officers by being extra eyes and ears watching for suspicious activity.

© 2010 Natalie Whatley

“Whether the weather be fine, whether the weather be not, whether the weather be cold, whether the weather be hot, we’ll weather the weather, whatever the weather, whether we like it or not.” (Author unknown) I don’t know who opened the freezer door and left it ajar, but B-R-R-R-R!  

Being an outdoorsy kind of girl who needs plenty of fresh air and sunshine to survive requires me to keep track of the weather. I recall the last cold snap we had of this magnitude because I was home with a newborn. We curled up in blankets and napped peacefully in between feedings. That was 13 years ago.

So, I’ve had a long run of not being too confined inside my home’s walls during winter. Now that my kids are older and I’m free to roam during school hours, I didn’t take the news that it may be two weeks before we see highs over 60 well.

Meteorologists say that the cold blast reaching us down in Texas is likely caused by El Niño, which makes our winters here in The Lone Star State cooler and wetter than normal. (If memory serves me, El Niño also lessens our threat from hurricanes. In that regard, I welcome its return.) I believe 30 degrees below our “normal” high temps qualifies as “cooler”.

Folks here in these parts aren’t accustomed to these frigid temps. For starters, we don’t have the wardrobe for it. Heck, I’d go buy some thicker clothing for me and the family, but it appears I missed the winter-clothes-shopping window.  

If you haven’t seen, bathing suits are already out in stores. I’ve pointed out previously how this frosts me to no end.  The weeks following the astounding pig-out triad –Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years – are not the time to remind me of swimsuit season. Even though I’m actually in better shape now than I was this past summer, I refuse to go there. It’s the principal of the matter. I will boycott swimsuit purchasing until at least March.

Since we’ve had such a long spell of relatively mild winters, I quit buying standard winter-wear. I lost count of the boxes and bags of clothing donated –tags still hanging from the never-worn garments –because children outgrew something before it was cold enough to wear it, or heaven forbid, it went out of style. Those goofy kids running around in shorts and flip-flops right now . . . mine. And know that they all own jackets and jeans, but adamantly state it’s too hot at school with the heat cranked up. Sigh. I try, but there’s not much fight left in me.

I guess we can all be thankful this round of record lows was forecasted to be without precipitation. How to put this tactfully? Let’s just say that many of us in this neck of the woods can’t drive on ice. And I say that lovingly as I’m included – born and raised in Southeast Texas. We’re not mentally equipped for the task (admitting it is the first step), and most of us don’t own the tools necessary to outfit our vehicles.

Another silver lining: Millions of fleas and mosquitoes will perish. Join me in not shedding one tear.

Even covered vegetation isn’t expected to survive. For years I’ve dreamed of pulling everything out of my flowerbeds and starting over. Sounds like I’m going to get my wish, much to the chagrin of the men in the house who will be forced to provide the labor.

Best of all, it gives us something to talk about – a real ice-breaker to get conversation (or a column) flowing.

“Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it” –Mark Twain.  I tried. And you read it . . . whether you liked it, or not.

© 2010 Natalie Whatley

The planets and stars were in proper alignment Tuesday evening at The Whatley Estate, and I took off the evening mom/chef/tutor hat for something I’ve always wanted to do. OK, I must confess. Nothing was aligned. I got dressed and announced I was leaving for an hour. Surprise, confusion, and even a glimmer of panic crossed some otherwise carefree faces. There was no meal cooked, homework had not been done, and showers not taken. Lo and behold, the earth did not stop spinning on its axis.

Sterling Municipal Library’s Starbooks at Starbucks, presented by librarian Jamie Eustace, boasts “Tired of the same old grind? Perk up your routine!” I met with Jamie in previous years in a book club and having now seen her in action reviewing books, I personally guarantee more than your routine will be perked. Her enthusiasm was evident as she reviewed numerous titles shelved at the library. “I just want people to know that the book is alive and well and the library is the perfect place to discover something new!”  She accomplishes that goal and so much more. How’s that for a review of the reviewer?

The program actually started in the summer of 2008. Now that I know what I was missing, I could kick myself for not getting there sooner.  I was notified well ahead of each meeting, but something always stood in the way of going. Since I’m now a bona-fide escape artist, this will be an area where I’ll use my newly-acquired skills.  

I intended on arriving early and learning a little about my co-attendees. Instead, I pulled in to the nearly-full Starbucks parking lot just minutes shy of the 6:30 p.m. start time. Thankfully there were a few vacant chairs awaiting occupation at the outer edge of the gathering, and I didn’t have to enter the dreaded center of the room whereby all eyes would notice the newbie.  Jamie says she usually has about two dozen people at each gathering, and while I didn’t take a head count, that looked about right.

I enjoyed it so much that I e-mailed Jamie the next morning in hopes that the old book club was still meeting. Sadly, it’s not.  If I get the chance to get in on another one, I will. Book clubs always pull me out of reading ruts, and I end up fascinated by something I would have never given a second look. And then, to hear what other people take away from what they read – that’s fun in my book.

The highlight and disappointment of the evening was one in the same for me: One of the 15 books reviewed was “The Slippery Year” by Melanie Gideon.  Just a few years my senior, she digs into being female and hitting mid-life. I’ve already placed a hold at the library and can’t wait to read it. My disappointment came from the fact that someone else beat me to writing about it. I thought I had the market cornered on that craziness.

All said, it was five-star entertainment in a nice cozy setting – perfect for a little weeknight pick-me-up with the added bonus of leaving with book titles you know won’t be a waste of time.

Jamie will hold another fun-filled hour of what’s hot off the publishing presses at the Starbucks on the I-10 feeder and Garth Rd. on Tuesday, November 17 at 6:30 p.m.  If you’d like more information, or would like to be on the e-mail list to receive reminders of upcoming events you can reach Jamie Eustace at 281-427-7331 ext. 230 or jamie.eustace@baytownlibrary.org

© 2009 Natalie Whatley

I joined the SWAT team this week. Before you start thinking I’ve taken my recent participation in the Citizens Police Academy too far, I assure you it’s not what it may seem. However, I have been asked several times in the past couple of weeks if I’m planning on becoming a police officer. The answer is no. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that I hadn’t reached the maximum age to apply. Career changes are on the forefront of my mind lately, and I like to keep my options open.

You’ve no doubt joined the team as well. I refer to the move I constantly make while outdoors and with greater regularity even indoors. Yes, I’m dancing around, slapping, hitting . . . swatting.  After the rain we received, and I’m not complaining because we needed it, the mosquitoes took over. I’ve seen and heard the city trucks out spraying – thankful for it – but I think the little critters have mutated and get a real charge out of flying through the fog of chemicals, straw-like proboscis in the ready position, and poking even the smallest area of exposed flesh. They mock us. For that, I have no reservations over using my brute strength to end their pathetic lives.

Knowing that every living thing has some objective to accomplish on Earth, I asked a question that seems to go unanswered. What exactly is the purpose of the mosquito in the grand scheme of things? I researched tirelessly to provide an answer. (The fact that on most days I’m unable to determine my own purpose beyond providing clean laundry and the restocking of the pantry made the quest laughable, but one never knows when an endeavor may lead to the path of enlightenment.)

The best answer by far was provided by some anonymous soul who posted their wisdom on the internet, “The purpose of the mosquito is to provide humans with the pleasure of scratching that itch!” That has to be it. There was also a whole bunch of scientific mumbo-jumbo. Scientists couldn’t say for certain what role mosquitoes play other than providing a miniscule percentage of a food source for some predatory aquatic animals as well as bats, dragonflies and spiders. They did, however, caution against completely eradicating the species.  I guess that position is understandable in that never solving this problem provides a certain level of job security for researchers and the producers of mosquito repellants.

While investigating, I dug up a few interesting tidbits I didn’t already know. (And people who have conversations with me wonder why I am a repository of useless knowledge.) Mosquitoes pollinate certain grasses, goldenrods, and are the exclusive pollinators for the blunt-leaved bog orchid. I looked those up; they’re as beautiful as the name implies. While they’re not particularly pretty, I’m sure they have a purpose, too.

Old Japanese ghost stories claim mosquitoes are reincarnations of the dead, condemned by the errors of their former lives. In case that causes you to worry you’ll be serving out some time as a blood-sucking pest (which only the females mosquitoes are . . . I won’t go there), you’re safe unless the “errors” in your life include jealousy or greed.  It was unclear in that ancient folklore if one would be reincarnated over and over since the life-span is fairly short – one week for a male, one month for a female – maybe it depended on the degree of jealousy and greed.

 At the end of my little insect journey, I got it. They are here to teach me a few things – specifically patience, tolerance, and endurance for the pesky little things I allow to ruin otherwise nice moments in life. I’ll give it a go as soon as I gear up for battle in the boots, cool SWAT suit, goggles, and helmet. It’s a jungle out there!

© 2009 Natalie Whatley

With a great deal of pomp and circumstance (not really, but certificates in hand our pictures were taken with the Chief of Police Dougherty, and instructor, Crime Prevention Specialist Beasley) commencement exercises were held for the Baytown Police Department’s Citizen Police Academy on September 15. I covered some of the more exciting highlights in previous columns. As promised, I’ll deliver an overview of the whole ten-week experience.

Since I worked in civil law prior to my full-time mommy days, police work and the different issues it entails interested me. I was thrilled a class was offered during the summer when my evening schedule wasn’t consumed by extra-curricular activities, homework checking, and taxi driving.

Our class of 15 saw various facets of police work and how the gears turn behind the scenes. Fascinating. Each week brought a different topic, and the best the department had to offer in personnel came to share their area of expertise. Demonstrations of techniques and equipment were very informative and colorful personalities made the evenings quite entertaining.  

The curriculum changes somewhat from class-to-class given instructor availability and class interest, but a broad spectrum of subject matter is guaranteed for each group. After five weeks of instruction, students may ride along with an officer in a patrol car. I haven’t done that, yet, but you’ll hear all about it if I do. Graduates are also eligible to enroll in the advanced class, which takes a deeper look into the basic course of study and adds narcotics investigation and bomb squad. I can’t wait.

Classes began with an informational introduction to police terminology and the history of the Baytown Police Department.  

The following week: terrorism. Post 9/11 most of us think of this topic in a singular fashion. However, there are other tentacles. Law enforcement must be vigilant on many fronts – watching for some predictable behaviors and patterns, often aided by citizens acting as the eyes and ears.   

Then there was FATS – Firearms Training Simulator – and in case you missed my riveting tale on this one: Our class was put through computer-generated scenarios where split-second decisions were required to protect life. It’s not as easy as it looks on TV.

During the use of force class, we were instructed on the tools available to law enforcement and how officers must assess the situation and act accordingly. The high point of that evening was the Taser demonstration.  Baytown Citizen Police Academy Alumni Association President, Mike Kercher, “rode the lightning” for our viewing pleasure. Since I know Mike personally, it was difficult to watch. We also learned that any officer who carries a Taser must be tased with it.

At the half-way point, the K-9 units came to visit – beautiful, well-mannered animals. Officers explained continuous training, demonstrated how the dogs locate narcotics, and how they’re used for suspects who choose to run or otherwise be uncooperative with human officers.    

During crime scene investigation I dusted for my own fingerprints and found them! That skill may come in handy with three kids who routinely say, “It wasn’t me!”  This class got a little gruesome, but any regular CSI viewer could handle it.

I wrote about clearing a building, and you learned I was useless. There’s a lot of strategic planning that goes into that; it was more than my brain could handle and being hopped up on adrenaline didn’t help. I froze when confronted by the threat – had it been the real deal, I’d not be here today.

Towards the end, we toured the jail. I’ve always wondered what it was like in there, but never wanted to find out the hard way. I’ll do my best to uphold the law and avoid going for another visit. Not pleasant.

Many thanks to Officers Beasley, Coleman, Denton, Stevens, and Cruz; Detectives Farabee, Latta and Crowell; Sergeant Hendricks; and Lieutenant Freed – you made learning fun. 

And a very special thank-you goes to Ms. Lavon Heintschel of the alumni association. She arrived every week, very stylishly dressed, with the intention of expanding our waistlines – touched a few hearts, too.  A big thank-you as well to her baking helpers – everything was always delicious.

It was an experience I’ll never forget. I’ll let you know when the next one rolls around. You don’t want to miss it!

© 2009 Natalie Whatley

Last Tuesday night I was (very briefly) trained on the finer points of clearing a room. It’s an ability that conjures up some negative connotations – think obnoxious people who enjoy dominating group discussion, or hygiene issues that make life unpleasant for others. That’s not at all to what I refer. By the end of the evening I determined I needed lots of practice and that I freeze at critical moments.  

Recall that I’ve been in the Baytown Police Department’s 10-week Citizen Police Academy.  I only have two more classes to complete before I graduate.  I pay attention as best I can, it’s interesting stuff, but you all know my mind wanders. So, I probably missed some of what it takes to “clear a room” – removing the bad guys and living to tell about it. 

Under Feng Shui (that’s pronounced fung shway) decorating principles, clearing a room is an early part of creating an environment that provides harmony and inner balance. Clutter and anything that inhibits harmony, balance, and flow of life are removed. I bet I’m the first to liken police work to decorating, and the guys will no doubt be happy that’s how I saw it. And they made it look much better than I ever could.

One step to creating Feng Shui is to meditate on a room’s energy, take deep breaths, close the eyes, and concentrate on your intentions to clear the room. I did just that as I put on a helmet and throat protection and listened to my “assignment”.  Then I was patted down (having never been arrested, that was a different experience) for additional weapons before being armed with approved gear: a flashlight and a “simunition gun”, which is a real gun with a modified barrel to shoot rounds capped with colored detergent instead of actual bullets.

My call: The owner of a vacant farmhouse reported hooligans on his property. They had been seen outside and possibly entered the dwelling. It was nighttime, and there were no lights. Since they were not outside, my partner (Jeff) and I had to search and clear three rooms.

Sounded easy enough, but when you’re in an unfamiliar, pitch-black place with real police officers –armed with toy weapons – hiding and waiting to catch you off guard, it’s enough to cause heavy mouth-breathing that fogs up the helmet.

Entry was made, and I was trying to “slice the pie” (don’t really know how to explain that other than to say stand and rotate in a fashion like slicing a pie, only it’s a room)  when I was immediately confronted by a roaring brick wall. (Officer Beasley. He spends a little time pumping iron when he’s not educating the public on crime prevention.)

Contrary to a figuratively colorful hour-long Power Point training session and demonstrations with Officers Latta and Coleman, I froze.  Bad-guy Beasley came at us, yelling. He could have killed me, and I could have shot him, but I just stood there. My partner, sensing I was useless, took over. Bad guy complied with verbal commands and I got to ‘cuff him.  Whew!  Only two more rooms to go.

Second room was cleared easily enough; it was empty. Third room had another suspect. Because I had great skill in shining the flashlight, I let Jeff do all the yelling. Second suspect was taken into custody and we were finished.  It was a good thing because I wasn’t enjoying the sauna in that helmet. I came out unscathed save for some chipped toenail polish – my fault for “going in” wearing flip-flops.

In the end, the entire class had a new appreciation for how difficult it can be walking into the unknown – acting and reacting accordingly. In a way, I’m glad I can’t clear a room. There was nothing harmonious or inner-balancing about it. Tough stuff.  My helmet’s off to those who do it well.