Natalie Whatley

Ahhh . . . summertime in southeast Texas. The humidity and mosquitoes are in abundant supply. Thusly, this week’s inspiration is brought to you by perspiration and itchy-skin irritation.

I’d much rather be outdoors than in, and the above pesky, summer nuisances are working overtime to assure I stay cooped up. It’s a coup I tell you. And a grand conspiracy designed to dampen my mostly sunny disposition.

I’ve been forced to find things indoors to fill my time. Of course there’s always a swarm of housework, but that’s no fun. I’d almost rather hang out with the skeeters. Almost.

In a brighter moment—between feeling sticky and swatting away pests—I discovered that my friend, Melvin Roark, determined through mathematical calculations (and possibly a little too much time on his hands) that his yard housed at least 1,346,400 mosquitoes.

He started off by counting how many of the little buggers were contained in a single square inch. The fact that he arrived at that staggering result all by himself is mighty impressive. (Pardon me for a moment while I bow to a greater math master. Words, not numbers, are my thing.) However, it wasn’t the numbers that got me to chuckling, but rather what he proposed doing with those tallies.

Melvin said if mosquitoes qualify, he’s applying for an agricultural extension on his homestead because he has unwittingly become a big time mosquito farmer. That’s funny, Melvin. But hang on to your insect repellant, folks. It gets better.  And I have to wonder if Melvin even realized the comedic element of what he proposed. (A little legal disclaimer to protect the innocent Melvin Roark against potential governmental backlash: I did not share with him what I actually found so amusing about his idea. Continue reading. It’s coming.)

Agricultural extension practitioners are usually employed by government agencies – local on up to world wide. Their “responsibilities” are mostly along the lines of educating farmers by bringing proven scientific methods to increase yields, but wait . . . you guessed it, there’s funding involved along the line. (I read a fraction of the fine print for you. I would’ve consumed it all, but it seems I found the cure for my insomnia.) Anyway, do you see the bloodsuckers on both sides of Melvin’s proposed equation?  Heh. Heh.  Using one bloodsucker to gain benefits from another. Pure genius.

Since Melvin is potentially set up to profit from working not-so-hard on the propagation of an annoying insect, I figure someone here in town better counter his measures from another angle. I’m studying and working on lowering our humidity because the thermal sensing capabilities of the mosquito are as much as three times greater when the humidity is high.

I hate to be a wet blanket, but I doubt I’ll make much headway because, unlike Melvin, I won’t have access to any of those fancy-pants-governmental types who fly in and claim they can bend nature. No matter, I suppose, because I understand enough math to know that Melvin’s high crop yield, or not, dew points above 70 and the commensurate high relative humidity totals up to 100 percent misery. And I’m being a real drag, so I’m telling me to buzz off!

© 2010 Natalie Whatley

I joined the SWAT team this week. Before you start thinking I’ve taken my recent participation in the Citizens Police Academy too far, I assure you it’s not what it may seem. However, I have been asked several times in the past couple of weeks if I’m planning on becoming a police officer. The answer is no. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that I hadn’t reached the maximum age to apply. Career changes are on the forefront of my mind lately, and I like to keep my options open.

You’ve no doubt joined the team as well. I refer to the move I constantly make while outdoors and with greater regularity even indoors. Yes, I’m dancing around, slapping, hitting . . . swatting.  After the rain we received, and I’m not complaining because we needed it, the mosquitoes took over. I’ve seen and heard the city trucks out spraying – thankful for it – but I think the little critters have mutated and get a real charge out of flying through the fog of chemicals, straw-like proboscis in the ready position, and poking even the smallest area of exposed flesh. They mock us. For that, I have no reservations over using my brute strength to end their pathetic lives.

Knowing that every living thing has some objective to accomplish on Earth, I asked a question that seems to go unanswered. What exactly is the purpose of the mosquito in the grand scheme of things? I researched tirelessly to provide an answer. (The fact that on most days I’m unable to determine my own purpose beyond providing clean laundry and the restocking of the pantry made the quest laughable, but one never knows when an endeavor may lead to the path of enlightenment.)

The best answer by far was provided by some anonymous soul who posted their wisdom on the internet, “The purpose of the mosquito is to provide humans with the pleasure of scratching that itch!” That has to be it. There was also a whole bunch of scientific mumbo-jumbo. Scientists couldn’t say for certain what role mosquitoes play other than providing a miniscule percentage of a food source for some predatory aquatic animals as well as bats, dragonflies and spiders. They did, however, caution against completely eradicating the species.  I guess that position is understandable in that never solving this problem provides a certain level of job security for researchers and the producers of mosquito repellants.

While investigating, I dug up a few interesting tidbits I didn’t already know. (And people who have conversations with me wonder why I am a repository of useless knowledge.) Mosquitoes pollinate certain grasses, goldenrods, and are the exclusive pollinators for the blunt-leaved bog orchid. I looked those up; they’re as beautiful as the name implies. While they’re not particularly pretty, I’m sure they have a purpose, too.

Old Japanese ghost stories claim mosquitoes are reincarnations of the dead, condemned by the errors of their former lives. In case that causes you to worry you’ll be serving out some time as a blood-sucking pest (which only the females mosquitoes are . . . I won’t go there), you’re safe unless the “errors” in your life include jealousy or greed.  It was unclear in that ancient folklore if one would be reincarnated over and over since the life-span is fairly short – one week for a male, one month for a female – maybe it depended on the degree of jealousy and greed.

 At the end of my little insect journey, I got it. They are here to teach me a few things – specifically patience, tolerance, and endurance for the pesky little things I allow to ruin otherwise nice moments in life. I’ll give it a go as soon as I gear up for battle in the boots, cool SWAT suit, goggles, and helmet. It’s a jungle out there!

© 2009 Natalie Whatley